Not exactly the best of days. My theme of "perspectives" would fit in so perfectly in this context. Codes and jars of clouds.

It's teacher's day tomorrow and going back to AHS never crossed my mind. Firstly, nobody asked (I don't suppose my friends are going either). Secondly, I've never ever been close to any teacher in my entire life. Is it really true that I shut myself out all the time?

I see you. You see me.

You know how people always say, "I don't know what happened, something just went wrong"? Has it ever occurred to us that we're the only ones who didn't know what went wrong, and the party did know, all along? All along. Once people move on in life, there's just the excuse to say "oh, we drifted apart". Make it simple as that.

I've never felt your pain in the past, now I do. Every single burning inch of it. So everybody gets sick of ranting. I hate myself for ranting everyday on this blog. Will I ever have the right to be feeling this way? What keeps you going, what changed? It makes me wonder. I am everybody's past, and nowhere near the finishing line.

All my life, I was never able to really communicate with others. Never. I was either the one who didn't understand, or the one people didn't understand. Talking to myself all along.



Salyu - Ai no Jikken


Salyu - Glide

Been a long time since I've listened to them... lily chou-chou craze and all the jap dramas + studio ghibli feels so long ago.

Emo people a mistake?

Perhaps it was a great mistake to end up accepting only people similar to me (with the exception of a few). Also, there are still places in a girl's heart that can only be filled by a male, and these things can really affect you alot. Maybe I should never ever like anybody of the same species, ever. (it's now a thing of the past)

I've been trying to find reasons why things always end up in an emotional wreck but that's only because I thought accepting people like me was the only way. Always thought the only way to communicate was mutual understanding. Well, it is. But someone who understands you might not necessarily be exactly the same as you.

I'm not affected by these feelings anymore because I just am not, I really am not, and I swear I'm not (don't doubt whatever I say here), but my relations with people.. still.. Guess it's just that I'm born more emotional and yes, ambivalent. Can't blame anyone.

I want to be strong, but I don't want to be strong by forcing myself to be. I want to understand everything around me, understand myself, understand what I want, find something I really want in life, learn through my mistakes, go through the tough times.

This is the tough time I'm going through now, and I'm currently weak, vulnerable and what not. I'm not going to tell myself "STAY STRONG", take everything off my mind and run away from unhappiness just to be happy.

Please do not worry.

Should I blame it on luck, or myself?

"Have I taught you if you haven't learnt? No"

(Yesterday's lecture was about beliefs and values. I thought through them this morning in the context of my life and it finally makes sense now. That's why I always believe we're the only ones who can 'help' or 'teach' ourselves.

The greatest teacher is the one who's able to make us think by giving us a few words or ideas, not the one who feeds us with information. Because we'll never learn if we don't think it through, in our own context. It's just impossible to put ourselves in others shoes. And if we never think, we'll never learn, regardless of how good a teacher is.)

------------------------------------------------------------------

When I heard the quote above, the first thing that entered my mind was, "but it's our fault for not listening, it's not that you haven't taught well". The role of a teacher is to help us learn, and if we haven't learnt, his aim has not been met. Therefore he hasn't taught, simple as that. Similarly, we haven't fulfilled our role as a student if we haven't learnt.

Why do I keep thinking about what is right, and wrong, or who's in the wrong and who's not? My mom is a person who judges everything by the means of it being "right" OR "wrong". As I grew out, I found myself being influenced by her as well.

-

can't say i'm blogging for people to read, because most aren't interested in these yet I'm still blogging about them.

Saturday (yesterday) was rather well spent, with art in the morning and getting feedback from miss kwa on the prep boards and what to improve on. She was smiling so widely I couldn't help but get infected by it HAHA. Nad and I went for VCW at punggol after that, but ended up going back to get donations from schoolmates & it was quite fun. Something happened too and we ended up laughing about it on the bus :D

SOT lecture got me to reflect for hours this morning so I'd say it was a good one. Unfortunately, a splitting headache prevented me from listening for one entire hour, and neurofen only took effect AFTER the lecture. Wonderful.

The few of us rushed down to Cathay to watch Step Up 3 right after class. Them being KwokMeang, Youjin, Haojing, Sylvester and Gordon + their friend M. Taiwanese fried chicken went perfectly well with the movie. The plot was entirely predictable but it was still a good one with the awesome dance moves and all. Not to forget the gorgeous Natalie and her smoking hot body. Not one of the most inspiring movies, but like I said, it's for the dance moves.

Dinner at Manhattan fish market till the shop closed at 11. Dinner was just a drink with a few stolen portions. Sometimes I don't know how I manage to talk to a bunch of people I don't know too well everytime but I do. There was a point where I kept quiet, thinking it'd be weird to join in their conversation until one went, "Emma are you so quiet all of a sudden?". Then I realised I was always the one who made things awkward for myself.

Can't help thinking why Sharni Vinson is so hot. And how I know we won't ever keep in contact after school yet I felt fine talking. Maybe it's precisely because of that

Oh yes, back to last friday. Great day with the art mates at SAM admiring tourists admiring Sarah's paining ;D I have yet to contact them so I better do! To get the photo they took of us ;D Somehow I always feel like I don't have that need to write down all the stuff we do cause

It's 3:52 am. The past hour has been spent lying in the dark with things swirling around my mind again, this time drawing relations with people and likening it to other relations to help myself understand things better.

Finally got some things figured out

(this post is more or less centered around myself, my problems and my own solutions so.. yeah)

Read some articles about ambivalence to help myself understand situations a little better. At least more aware that the way I feel towards everything is centered around this certain problem. Perhaps not entirely, but to a very great extent. There isn't a need to explain so I shall just paste the link of the articles here.

How to deal with ambivalence during long relationships - strictly speaking this one's for ambivalent people who are dating, and I'm not, but it's very much like friendships right.

Ambivalence - the psychic evolution - this one's abit more dry, so read it only if you think you're like that too.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Don't know how I always end up forcing others to give up on me. At the same time, I need to know there's someone who truly cares about me. Now there's another problem. I long for someone to truly care, but I don't let anyone in.

So I've never confided in anyone because I'd rather not. Cause you need to be able to solve your own problems for the problem to be solved. All we need is a person to rant to, not advice, and someone whom you care about enough, someone who will rant to you too. I'll feel guilty if it's a one-sided relationship. Somehow I just make it really clear to myself who I care for, and who I don't. Is that bad?

--------------------------------------------------------

My friend tried giving me advice but we ended up hurting each other. I even got very annoyed and was that close to saying hurtful words to stop him from saying anything more. It only got better when he decided not to care anymore and allowed me to rant, I think we both discovered something in the end. I know I'm a jerk cause he only had good intentions and all I can say is sorry for being like that. Thankyou for letting me know you care, but really, all I can say is sorry and I can't make it easier for others to care. There's nobody else who has shown me so much concern and for the very first time, through you, I found a reason to care for someone. Somehow, I think I'll be able to not ignore others as easily as I did. Anyhow, I'm sorry.


I'm too obsessed with this whole issue of selfishness, in myself and others. It's not necessarily for a bad intention and it might not do harm, it might actually be a win-win situation on the surface but deep down inside, all we're thinking of is ourselves. This statement looks flawed on it's own, there's enough reasoning for it to make sense. Just too complicated to explain now.

-----------------------------------------------------

My heart's cold. I push people aside if I feel they're not as important to me for certain reasons. I refuse to let myself take advantage of them, by talking to them only when I need to and ignoring when I don't need to. 'cause I can't force myself to be nice when I don't mean it, it feels so superficial to me. So I'd rather we not talk at all.

But would I really rather we not talk at all? What is it that my heart needs? What is it that I need? That others need?

If the world were to really die on 2012,

I'll spend my last few moments with the person who means the most to me, spend the day watching musicals, movies, talking, eating ice cream (idk why it's ice cream), and look forward to a night by the river side (with the shimmering lights) and stargaze.


It's funny how I thought not living would be the best solution right now cause of how this world is so screwed up (me included), but when I was told the world might really die in 2012, my first reaction was "WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO DIE! THERE'S SO MUCH I WANT TO DO BESIDES STUDYING!"

Do you know how annoying it is when you know you're supposed to study, but you just can't, because the worries, thoughts, troubles, emotions and confusion in your head just won't let you go? Where the only sort of release is writing, you'll end up writing for hours and hours, late into the night when it's already 2 or 3. The next day you end up really tired without reading anything and disappoint everyone around you.

In the end, everything ends up in your drafts and nobody ends up understanding. They're far too long and confusing for anybody to want to go near. You're back to the original state, only slightly better because you've got them sorted out, but never solved.

You'll never call anyone even though they say it's okay to - you don't know how or where to start, and once you start telling someone, you'll never want to stop. Everyone's racing against time right now and it's just not right to have them listening to you for hours and hours. An hour will never be enough so hoping they'll read is the only solution.

Right now you have so many drafts, with things people never ever knew you worried about. But you're afraid to show anyone, because they're far too long and knowing that they probably wouldn't have the time or the interest to read... it feels like rejection.

The cycle keeps repeating itself, and you're hoping they'll be solved one day, but you know they never will. Besides, these emotions are what keep you alive. You're either thinking too much, or far to empty. Emptiness feels far worse than anything else in the world.

And all you can do is wonder why you're so different from everyone else.

Overwhelming thoughts, overwhelming emptiness

Just a few hours ago I was hit with such overwhelming thoughts, reading the notes was practically impossible with them subconsciously creeping into me. How do I explain it? It's like I'm reading but after awhile I realise I'm still on the same word because the thoughts took over me subconsciously. Just like that. Right now, the emptiness is so overwhelming, it feels as though.. I can't feel. The only thing I can feel is that there's nothing there.

At least thinking too much allows me to sort the thoughts out through writing or analysis. With this state of blankness there's nothing to do besides lying on the bed, listening to music and hoping the senses will come back. I don't even care if the depressing thoughts will haunt me again.

The only great thing is that the music can finally fill my entire soul, and appreciating the music and lyrics purely for what it is has been made possible. I'm hoping a song will hold a message strong enough to get my mind thinking again. Don't care if those aren't my thoughts.

Anything to get out of this shallow state.

I don't even bloody feel like playing the piano or the guitar, when those were the first things I wanted to do after the exams.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Please remember that this test isn't meant to diagnose you. Only a professional can do that.
(you can click on the links if you're interested)
-------------------------------------------

Spent a few hours researching about borderline personality disorder when I was supposed to be reading art last night.

It's quite disturbing to know that (the selection of things pasted below) describe me so well. OhGod, exactly how I feel.

Anybody can tell me why I think so much to the extent that I NEED to write them down or I can't even read cause my brain's more concerned about those thoughts?

--------------------------------------------------

Borderline personality disorder /Emotionally unstable personality disorder, characterized by depth and variability of moods.

typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood and black and white thinking, chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity and behaviour; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.

experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure.

very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone.

high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships.

may show changeability between anger and anxiety/depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative.

trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.
---------------------------------------------

Ambivalent's the word.

Hmm maybe all I needed was to talk to someone about all these. Perhaps I was over-analysing things in the post about relations and uncertainties. Or.. I'm still not too sure. As I read it again, it did seem a little too extreme and obsessed about the idea of people hiding the truth.

That's because I got it a little more reasoned out. Doesn't mean I still don't feel that way. Really confused so .. art it is, for now.

So the previous post was written at 4:30 am in the morning. Again.

Never let me stay awake (and alone) with computer access from 4 to 7 am, that's when my brain starts to think too much. Wait, I'll probably write on my diary even if I didn't have a computer anyway.

Coffee is absolutely amazing. If you were to liken my brain to a computer ram, it feels like coffee just upgraded me from a 512MB to a 2GB ram. My writing speed increased by 2 pages for the geog paper, and taptap speed by a few percentages up (was bored on the bus). Most importantly, it transformed me into a happy crazy kid within 3 hours.. or something. Not exaggerating. Now I feel bipolar.

Seeing how I wouldn't be needing sleep for the next 12 hours... I'm going to play around with the camera, the guitar and the piano before searching for my art notes at night. Hurrah.

--

Just kill me right now. There's no hope in me being happy.

No matter how many times I tell myself to ignore everything and focus on my work, I can't. The thoughts are too overwhelming.

Is there any reason to live? Besides not having a choice and how others around us would suffer if we die?

Our relations with others and the uncertainties

(If you think too much like me)

It's clearly not right/dysfunctional when you start to sense that the other party doesn't care much (and eventually or in the future, not at all). Or at least not as much as you do. There may be a thousand and one excuses from them to say they didn't mean it and they're sorry, but sometimes they're only saying it for the sake of being sorry or regretful (and many other reasons that might not be so negative).

They could be lying for the first and second time, and not the third. They could be telling the truth the first and second time, and not the third. You never know when they're lying about how they treasure the relationship, and when they're not. But you can tell if they show signs of not caring too many times.

Statistics don't tell you everything (and there may be anomalies), but it's difficult to use your feelings as a gage all the time. Not with all sorts of trust issues, superficialities and what not.

There's something about humans, we're too complicated. We hide the truth. It may not be for any ill-intention, but the uncertainty is just there. Only time can tell, and that comes with a price - hurt. We have different defence mechanisms (probably due to fear) because we have varying reactions and experiences, but defence mechanisms don't serve to solve problems - they only serve as barriers to prolong impending pain.

Pretty sad how we have to constantly observe our interaction with people to measure our relationship. We can choose not to do that, but always be prepared to be hurt. Nothing drastic might happen, it might just come in the form of drifting apart, and that's what we all do anyway - try to prolong things and not be the bad guy. I suppose it isn't nice to be lonely either, so most people just try to keep whatever friends they have, regardless of whether they'll actually keep in contact with the person or not. Also, it's not that nice a feeling to hurt someone, since we don't hate people most of the time.

Sometimes you can tell right from the start if something will work out or not, or at least after a certain period of time. (You just know how much you would want to put into that relationship). But we all say, "they don't have to know right? We're not actually doing something bad here.."

It's hard to tell. Just because we don't mean alot to the person doesn't mean we mean nothing to them. It wouldn't make sense to come to conclusions too quickly (eg. person doesn't reply you once and you take it that they don't care), and it'd be senseless to cut yourself off from someone too quickly, just because you "have a feeling it won't last". Because beautiful things can happen if we put in the effort too, I've experienced it.

Nothing on earth can be made certain - it depends on what you value. And there are so many levels to relationships, the kinds of relationships, etc. It's quite amazing to know that sometimes.

------------

I myself dare not say who I'm doing this to. I think I make things pretty obvious and I cut myself off too quickly at times so... I'm imperfect like that. Kind of explains why I'm never surrounded by friends anyway. I've learnt this because people have done this to me, leaving me uncertain at first but seeing how I can act this way too clears some doubts in my head.

It hurts but that's the truth. But people don't show it, we always have to find out ourselves. That's what I hate about this world - it's all superficial. Even things that don't seem superficial are. Even those that don't serve to harm you.

---------

Perhaps there isn't any point in me thinking about all these at all, "just go with the flow", as they all say. (Nevermind about how there are always rebuttals to every statement)

Just enjoy what you have at the moment if you can. After typing all these out, I think the best way is still to take things easy, if you don't want to get sick of life. It sucks to have conflicting ideas floating around your head, I know it too well.

It also helps to be honest with your feelings. Honestly, I think that's the most important thing. Makes the world a better place.

Feed me with your perspectives if you may, it isn't too good for a person to be so pessmistic or realistic all the time.

Hello you. I'm sorry about last night. I know there's no point in saying sorry in these situations cause something's already been broken, but I do regret that. Maybe I was the selfish one all along and I might've hurt so many simply with my nonchalance. Apparently of all days (out of almost everyday) I chose today to not reply you, simply because I didn't want to talk about other people. I could've told you I didn't like that but I chose to ignore. That doesn't mean you're not meant to chase it, and like what you always say, don't let anybody bring you down.

In the mood
(check it out, it's an awesome jazz piece by glen miller)

What a big contrast from this morning's post,
which I'll promise myself to not take down or the cycle will repeat,
all over again.

----
Smooth jazz, swing, bossa nova, vocal jazz, anything jazz.
Just two songs on my playlist for tonight.

How I wish the sky would be dark forever,
I'll go stargazing by the merlion,
with the splashing sounds to quiet my mind.
I'd give anything to lie there forever,
and stare at the sky with closing eyes again.

Please bring me there again.
...or I'll bring myself.

Norah Jones - One flight down


Olivia Ong - I feel the earth move

Stars in the night sky aglow, I wish for you to never go;
Sun I wish for you to never rise, tomorrow please don't arrive.
Splashing waves hypnotise me, my heart doesn't wish to see;
Darkness calm my senses, my soul needs to be fearless.

That's how much I love the night, anything for the darkness.
Seems like facebook is replacing this when it comes to my short phrases.
I'll post them here because they'll last forever.

So all I needed this morning was a space to type (rant)
and someone who cares.

Because I'm too tired of keeping everything to myself.

http://myriadofcolours.wordpress.com

Almost everything I wanted to say then, is there.

Emotions screw you over. I'm supposed to be sleeping to be able to stay awake when I study later. Exams tomorrow.

The itouch didn't allow me to write on blogger,
and it was too early to be found typing in front of the com and I didn't want unnecessary trouble so I wrote from the touch.

I don't suppose people think I keep alot to myself since there's already so much on this blog, but there's actually so much more I feel about things, those intense emotions, so much more complications.

Feels like I'm saying the same thing there, over and over.

Ask me for the password for the other post.

Please don't make me regret doing this.

(because I didn't want the post above to be that long)

I'm afraid of being called an attention seeker if I let too many people know. Technically I am not announcing anything and you are free. To choose to ignore me, or not.

I don't have a friend I can tell everything to without my fear of them being irritated and leaving. Therefore I write everything here, where people can chose to read or not.

I wish everybody read this, the only way to understand me. But I won't tell, I won't ask them to. I will not force them to.

------------------------------------------------------------

So I woke up at 4:34 am this morning and all these... feelings just came to me. All the problems I've had ever since I stepped into JC. I cried.. tears from emotions I've never really felt before.

They weren't tears that can be explained by a situation, that feeling of being alone, standing up for myself all these while, having nobody to ask. I went through my darkest period, with a few around me, but I was more or less alone, emotionally.

I don't blame the people around me, I don't blame myself for being like that. That's just the way things are but it gets me frustrated.

Don't get me wrong, I know some have shown me concern and I appreciate their efforts from the bottom of my heart. I must say, there's very little. I'm not the easiest person to be with. It's just me, all along. I hope too much for people to chase after me so I sit there, waiting. I hate being the one to initiate.

The pain of being alone is more than anybody can imagine. You may see me with people, but I've lost my ability to interact with people the way I used to. I'm not my natural cheerful self anymore. On top of all that, I've become unable to speak when I'm in groups.

-------------------------------------------------------------

And I have to acccept the fact that the world only likes happy people so I'll have to live with this until I'm fine again.

I will be fine in a while, until I fall again. I won't be pretending.

So fond of saving my posts under drafts, huh?

Just undrafted it, wonder how long it'll be on the internet.

mhmm drafted it again.

I've been thinking... well I guess I'm really fine staying the same because having someone accepting a fake "happy" me doesn't make any sense. Alright, it's not ONLY about happiness.

Generally this world is selfish and we're all weak enough to follow what others want. I really hate societal norms and all the bull crap. There's everything that isn't right about this world, even around people we know. You just HAVE to make things sound better, you have to act to get things your way.. I can't take this shit. I remember how I didn't act deliberately sorry when we got into trouble and was my normal self, and the teachers thought I was the one who didn't reflect and that I wasn't sorry. (I was) Who knows, they might think I was the one faking all the stuff. This world can't tell what's fake from real, and all the real stuff will be known as fake just because we don't have the skills to put it in a "nice package".

Frown at me all you want but I'm gonna stick to my own values and not yours. This world is screwed up enough and with all the supposed definitions of "right" and "wrong" (which don't make sense), I don't know how long people can take it. So we all die with masks all over our faces, happy that people will cry for us over our tombstone, happy that we've led a "good" life because we were able to please everybody around us. Well die happy twisting things around to make them sound good, making people FEEL good (oh yes, and say it's for their sake, not yours) because people just can't take the truth.

So I'll make this clear that I'm utterly complicated, I think too much, I'm sad most of the time and I'm emo if you like that term more. And I'm surviving fine on my own aren't I? (Although I secretly hate being alone) & no, if I look happy in school it doesn't mean it's a facade or what and my friends around me should know. As much as that irritates me and everybody I'm not going to try to stop my emotions from showing. Not going to let myself be irritated by that anymore.

Last night, I couldn't stop my mind from imagining a needle poking through my eyeballs, out of it and into my nose and all over my face. For the first time, I told myself to stop that thought but my mind wouldn't let me. (I got freaked out by someone shooting another guy in the eyes in "Godfather" so I'm quite afraid of anything hurting the eyes) Grossed myself out.

The dream was incredible and some scenes still fresh in my mind. It's my first time having my adventurous dream in years, and there was some kind of riddle to be solved in it. It wasn't a particularly nice one because my subconscious linked the unhappy stuff to it but it was still awesome because it was so full of energy.

HI ANNA! I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL DREAM LAST NIGHT (MORNING ACTUALLY) I slept for 2 more hours so I could continue dreaming about it. and I think 1 more hour in bed to recall. I want to make a movie out of it right now but I can't. I'm scared I'll forget about it soon :( Like every single itty bitty detail. It's like an adventurous dream in a normal setting! I really wish I could record my dreams. It's too difficult to write everything down.

Wanted to post this on your wall the moment I woke up but I realised it's a little personal for the entire world to see.

Pen and paper as always.

What's wrong with being unhappy? Why should we even pretend to be happy for the sake of being an "nicer person to be with" or not "runing the mood"?

They won't change for you, and never change for them. Go alone if you have to, don't lose yourself to gain acceptance. Go alone if your emotions make them uncomfortable, for their sake and for yours.

Find the ones who can accept you, your emotions. If you never do, search harder or blame yourself for being unlucky, but never blame yourself for being different from the rest. Die knowing you were true to yourself, live hoping for somebody to understand and accept you.



I posted them on facebook because I've been wanting to say this since forever. I hate this world as it is. Everything's fake.

I have other things to say, but things to do as well. Sigh.

There are people in life you have to forget, and even though you've had nice memories together, it's easy to forget them because they haven't impacted you much.

There are other people you have to forget too, and there might not be as much nice memories but somehow they're just so difficult to forget. Every single word they say seem to tug at you alittle bit, making you ponder every time.

It's been years, yet still quite impossible to forget.

You know, I always thought I didn't mind others giving up on me.
This way, nobody will be there to control me because they don't care.

What happened made me realize I actually treasure
faith, hope and trust.

I really hate you for destroying that glimmer of hope she had in me.
I hate you for doing this when I was crying and begging you not to.
I hate people who always stick to morals when there are other things more important than that in some situations.
I hate you for making me unable to face her.
I hate you for controlling my life.

I hate how I always think of things from both sides.
I feel guilty for being angry now because I'm at fault too.
It makes the ranting process less satisfying.





I want to run away again, and escape.
Living is so tiring.

It actually takes less courage to stay strong.
because you're conforming to society's demands.

Running away actually takes more courage.
I think the reason behind running away shows the lack of courage,
but the act itself isn't.
It takes alot of courage to do it despite knowing the consequences.

How can you say I'm not being myself when you've only met me for a few months? Perhaps it's that cheerful side of me you've seen and liked at the very start.

I wish I could write well too.
Such limited expressions don't allow me to convey my ideas well.
Right now, I feel like tearing my heart out so somebody can understand me.
I can imagine myself tearing my heart out and ripping it into pieces.


I've a million things to say, but
sometimes I get so frustrated when I can't put it across clearly
I'll just forget about the entire idea of letting others know.


I feel so lousy.
I feel so bloody frustrated.
So angry with myself I want to rip something apart.
So annoyed my heart aches.
I want to tell someone about everything going through my mind.
But I'm tired of finding the right words to describe my feelings.
I need a hug right now.


Fuck this feels good.
First time I'm resorting to vulgarities to make myself feel better.
I'm not against them, I just try not to, normally.

It's the perfect word to express anger
without having me to describe my feelings, something I'm tired of.
Just that I'll always end up doing it because there's no other way.
I feel fucking angry with myself now.


People have been asking me why I always have that fixated stare,
and it makes them want to know what I'm thinking.
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING?


Econs paper tomorrow and it's 1:12 but I don't feel like sleeping.
My chest hurts, I've no idea why. It bloody hurts.

Sleep can be quite addictive though.
I'm actually quite afraid of the feeling of tiredness
after I tried sleeping earlier for a few weeks.
The refreshing feeling is so damn bloody good.

Video games live - Kingdom hearts suite
(a recreated sequence to the original vgl one, but similar)

The video goes really well with the music even though it's disney footage and not from the game itself. No seriously, watch it. Then close your eyes the next few times and you'll be able to imagine yourself soaring into the sky or running across limitless plains.. get goosebumps and play it again and again. The vgl suite has been on repeat since yesterday, this kingdom hearts suite especially. Video games always have great music, I'll search for more after the prelims.

I miss band and choir alot :(

Took that post down. It was too hurtfully honest, and I was pretty affected by the cough medicine. The drowsy feeling sucks.

I'll rewrite it when I'm in a better state, without trying to take away anything I want to say (even if it's negative).

It's a post for Day 4 about my sibling.


Wrote alot in my diary today and that cleared up alot questions in my head. I'm fine living like that and it isn't bottling up, I'm just treating my diary as a friend I'll share my deepest and darkest secrets with. Or thoughts that involve other people so I can't post them up here. I wouldn't mind sharing them with someone who understands though, just as long as they don't feel obliged to give me advice. Conversations turn awkward this way.

I'd rather have everything figured out by myself and share them with someone later on. Unless there's someone who thinks EXACTLY like me and is able to voice them out. Understanding what someone says is actually different from understanding a person completely.

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative).

My brother, whose shadow I'll always be living under. He's undoubtedly bright, and a son any parent would ask for.

I am really grateful to have such a wonderful brother yet at the same time, I do feel jealous. As I grew older, more of the jealousy died because I'm really thankful for all the things he had done for me and how he's able to comfort me whenever I'm down. He's like a reliable pillar of strength for many, and I admire him for all that he is.

I don't know if I feel inferior, because our lives, personality and interests are so different. But I still feel so overshadowed because everybody around us praises him all the time for producing excellent results, and for being such a good kid too. I'm kind of the opposite ever since sec 3. Honestly it's not because I don't get the praises, and I don't care if all the others

He's the one she'll always love more, because he's just the obedient, filial, sensible, thoughtful kid she likes. She tries hard to not show it in front of me, but it shows. Quite obviously too. She always tells me how she'll be really happy for me if I marry someone like him in the future, or how he's so obedient and sensible and I'll always agree (I really do) but deep down inside..

D once told me parents will always love a child more than the other. Parents like the kid who's more like them, true, they'll always love both but there's always "more".Maybe he sensed the jealousy in me ever since I was a kid, but he's almost never here to love me more. It doesn't feel like a single parent family of course, but sometimes I just feel so empty knowing somebody who prefers me is actually not there.




What am I saying? It's something too complicated to explain, because I can't imagine life without him... but sometimes I wonder how my life'll be if he wasn't there for people to compare me to.

I know it's wrong to feel this way. He'll always be someone I'll love and admire.

This is a really bad post but the cough syrup is affecting me and I can't seem to think properly at all. Goodnight for now.

This caught my eye while I was walking around the stores in search of an analog watch a few months ago. Anything minimalistic appeals to me! (either that, or simple yet classy items. Like the perfect shade of leather brown or intricate details, bronze and cream coloured stuff)

A little too expensive though. (seven hundred bucks for it) That's how I always end up waiting and waiting for the perfect item that comes with a perfect (or at least acceptable) price tag. Just saying.

I'm aware that the tone of this post is different from the one from the previous post even though it's written on the same day.

and oh. my flu is getting worse. Prelims. Flu. Yay.

(God I think I haven't typed like this in ages)

Frightening, overwhelming thoughts

The thoughts are normally so confusing and complicated
I don't know who I am anymore.

One moment I'm so certain I know myself, and the next.. I'm not.

Sometimes I discover new layers beneath me,
hiding so well beneath my emotions.

I really don't know who I am, what I'm doing,
what I'll be thinking next, why I'm doing certain things.

I can be so simple-minded and childish at times ("high" moments),
and completely opposite at other times. (which is most of the time)

There are so many sides to me (some very contradictory),
and ALL of them show who I am.

It's scary that I'm not putting on a facade at all, yet when I think deeper, I can actually find reasons to prove they're layers I put over myself. But how, when I don't even know I'm putting on these layers? Or am I thinking too much?


I confide in nobody else but this blog,
what most hear from me, merely ranting.

Even when I'm sharing my thoughts, there isn't enough time,
and when I'm alone again I start to think otherwise.
The rare few times when I really get to share, I'm thankful for.

Always bottling up, giving myself solutions to my own problems,
convinced they're right solutions but sometimes not.


Why am I so open when it comes to this blog everybody can read,
this blog which holds so much of my personal thoughts.

Yet I'll deliberately build barriers around myself in real life?
Or maybe it's more of being extremely selective.

Why have I become so unfriendly and unwilling to speak,
besides those who I think can understand me?
(I was never like that in the past)

Why do I try so hard to understand some people,
when I know they're exactly like me,
and we can never understand each other deeply.


For once, I'm tired of expressing myself.
I just want somebody to tell me who I really am.

You're the only one who can help yourself.

Jack of all trades and a master of none...
is it that bad a thing?

Woke up to a mom telling me how I should put some form of discipline in my life and that my short term goal is to do well for my A's since I have no bloody idea what to do in the future.


Honestly, entering a university doesn't sound that important to me. And do people have to live their entire lives as artists, musicians, writers, office ladies, engineers..? Can't we try out different things we like at different times and lead a fulfilling life?

Adults would tell me that isn't having a profession at all but bloody heck, I can't imagine myself doing the same thing over and over again until I'm good at it. I'm a person who enjoys trying new things and learning from others who are better than me. I want to dabble with things that make me happy, can't I?

Even if I find something that I really love and continue to be good at it, I don't have to spend my entire life trying to be good at it, do I?

I'm afraid I'll end up hating what I love because I'll be forced to do something everyone else like and that isn't easy at all. All these while I've been worrying about my future career because I'm not good enough in art or music or what I love, but is that the point here? I think I can be happy working on something until I'm happy with it, not meeting others' expectations of something good.



This might seem like naive thinking, but think about it again. We've been taught to have a profession in something and go through what everybody goes through, and we let other people tell us what life is all about.

Over here, doing anything non-academic is considered to be daring enough. I wonder.. if one day I really manage to do what I've written above, how would life look like for me?

-------------

But for now, what I'm facing is the A's. I've wasted the chance of learning so much and it's such a pity. I do regret not studying, not because I'm afraid I won't be able to enter a university but because I could have learnt so much more.

Studying is actually very fun if we don't have to work for results.
I'm sure all of you agree.

I'm still treating jc life like a learning experience more than anything else, so the idea of being "not in time" is actually not that strong for me. Maybe that's why I'm still feeling numb about the prelims. I should just convert this "numbness" into a calm state of mind and study now. I'll screw up prelims. Just a warning.

Emmy Rossum - Slow me down

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down
Slow me down
Slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down


---

I feel like that sometimes.
But right now, I'm actually quite numb.
I don't seem to be able to give a damn about the world's pace,
or rather, I'm not much affected.

and I like it this way.

...Just affected by what people think and feel.

Could it be that the world seems selfish to me only because I'm selfish? Is it really wrong to be depressed and unhappy? If we hide the truth to prevent ourselves from hurting others, and vice versa, what kind of relationship are we talking about?

My head is messed up again, and this time I don't know what it is.
I might just be sick of us hurting each other with our words or glances and pretending nothing had happened after that.

I'm confused about putting on fake fronts and what not. I can't put on any fake fronts and people get offended, so do people expect me to put on fake fronts for them just so they wouldn't feel hurt? (It isn't easy to be naturally nice and friendly and neutral) This doesn't make any sense.

No judgements or casual comments for five days for me. Just to see how capable we are of making judgements everyday.

To my friend who met me at frolicks tonight: Thanks for telling me more about myself from your perspective (it made me question a little less) helping me understand it’s fine to be one who can only communicate one-on-one, that it’s fine to be so emotional when everybody thinks I’m just being a burden to everyone else around me.

There isn’t a lot of people who can understand and accept me for who I am or understand that I’m this way not because I do not care about others’ feelings but because I can’t help thinking of feeling like that.

Check your email for the rest k! I feel so much less insecure right now.

It's been an absolutely wonderful night :)



Lunch with tangerine stalker was great too :D I like how we're able to talk so much about everything even though we rarely meet and I already miss talking to you! & it's pretty awesome to have someone as random as me (like who else talks about random things in the middle of a sentence and goes back to it after awhile? besides us) Yeah just really awesome. Can't wait for 28th! :D MORE GOOD FOOD AND COOL STUFF OGEY! WITH CAM CAM TOO!


Sarah, Hafiz, Janelle and I had an awesome time joking around at the cafe too :D


and on top of all that, I've been studying yesterday and today. A little late for prelims but hopefully not the A's :D

Unsew my seams, Look inside if you dare.

Emmy Rossum - Inside out

Unsew my seams
Look inside if you dare
Do you still like what you're seeing now

Secrets and sins
All exposed spilling out
Am I still safe here on this fragile ground

Inside out before you now
Bare these bones and lay me down
This suicide feels so alive
Will you take me
As I am
Inside out

Moving in silence
Feel the rush hold me down
Is this too real
What you're feeling now

Ecstasy rising
Giving in, no thinking
Love will you save me
Or just turn away

Inside out before you now
Bare these bones and lay me down
This suicide feels so alive
Will you take me
As I am
Inside out

Up on this highway [Inside out]
Might just come crashing down [Inside Out]
Reach out for me because I am

Inside out before you now
Bare these bones and lay me down [this suicide]
This suicide feels so alive
Will you take me
As I am

Inside [you'll see me]
This suicide [inside out]
Feels so alive [you'll see me]
Bare these bones and lay me down [inside out]
You'll see me
Inside out


This song would've described my feelings a couple of weeks ago.
Thank goodness these feelings are gone,
can imagine it to be quite terrible sitting for prelims feeling depressed no?

Don't have time to describe what these exact feelings are
or maybe I'm not too certain either.
Nah, I am.

I've always liked Emmy Rossum too :]

Secretly like it when the teachers say I have "untapped potential". Makes me feel really guilty at the same time.

Thoughts unspoken

I hate it when I'm not able to phrase my questions/answers properly and people think I don't get things at all. It's fine when I write/type but such an impossible task when it has to come in verbal form.

I hate it when I'm always the one listening to conversations in a group and after awhile people stop talking to me because they think I don't want to be involved or that I don't understand whatever they're saying.

I hate it when I'm with people and they think I'm lost or anti-social or I'm not enjoying myself when I'm with them.



Is this blog the only way I can communicate with people? But then again, how many of you actually read this?

I miss those talks we used to have. You're the only one who can understand whatever I say. There's so much more in my mind but I was glad someone understood whatever comes out of my mouth, at least. We don't even have the time now.

food, flags & fireworks

(cropped alot of the photos)

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY :]

no points for guessing where the flag came from HAHA

The rest are up on facebook. I better continue my prep work.

Today's obviously not a good prelims preparation day.

Met Alebelly at the airport at noon before meeting nelson & kuangjie at esplanade for the ndp fireworks showcase! We kinda walked to marina square and had pasta de waraku before heading off to helix bridge (where it was hot and squeezy) to wait for the show to start at 7/8.

Ohyes we almost wanted to forgo the pewpews for inception but we obviously didn't in the end. Jasmine was supposed to meet us on helix bridge but she was stuck at the traffic lights below so we only met her after that and headed home after some food.

Alright boring entry hope the photos make up for it. Now it's really back to the drawings! I don't think I'm sleeping tonight.

Just realized I'm supposed to write a letter to the 30 people in the 30 days, not write about them. Ohwell. I'll continue with this.

Day 3 — Your parents.

My mom and dad.. They call each other everyday because my dad works overseas in china/hk (and only comes home once a month) and they talk alot about everything. It's impossible to sum it up like that but I've always thought they're really lucky to have found each other. I want my marriage life to be like this too.

My parents and I aren't close in the sense that I never ever tell them my problems and I still don't think I'll dare to say "I love you" to them, even in letters. I haven't kissed or hugged them for the longest while too. I guess we're close in other ways.

Alot of regrets involved given we're not in the best of situations - my dad works overseas, my brother stays in a hostel, I was going through pubery and my mom menopause and those little things..


If I've got something to say to my mom.... well I wish the past 4 years had been better between us. I don't think there's any point in blaming anyone for the strained relationship but I'm glad it's better now. I used to cry alot whenever I think about how we quarrel every single without fail, how she does not give me privacy, how I know I'm at fault too but whatever she does simply makes me not want to apologize, how I always hated going home because all we'd do is quarrel so I always lock myself in the room. Life was bad for me (with all the problems with my friends etc) and having a screaming mom trying to peep at everything just didn't help then.

Come to think of it, I've been pretty insensitive and all... I could type another long paragraph about how I was in the wrong too. I think I should have a bigger portion in the blame game but blaming wouldn't bring us anywhere. Anyway. We had a long talk involving tears and all over my birthday dinner just two months ago and I'm glad we're on better terms now. It really takes alot for both sides to understand each other since we think so differently but honestly, the most important thing is to let the other party know how you feel. I've never really apologized to her back then but now I'm not afraid to. I still don't open up though.

Well, I could say she's a really cute mom cause she sms-es me when she sees that I'm sad (being me, I wouldn't open up) and her little gestures or things she does for us touches me sometimes (lunchboxes and doing all the household chores and helping us in whatever way she can). One thing I can safely say is that she'll never give up on me and it shows with these things she does. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel it.

I haven't been the best daughter, not that I'm bad or rebellious, but I'm far too sensitive and emotional, I don't open up to my parents, I'm not responsible, I don't study, I'm lazy... the list goes on. I think I've said hurtful words to her before too. I'm really glad I've grown more mature this year and hopefully our relationship will only get better. I'll end it with a Sorry.


About my dad.. he's been working overseas since I was in sec 2 and comes home only once a month for a period of 2 or 3 days. Honestly speaking, I don't always miss him and I kind of like the freedom I get. It might sound as though we're not close but we are. Well... relatively. We got quite close after I entered JC and began to think alot about life. He's a really great person to talk to cause he's into psychology so he understands and explains things pretty well. He can read people too :D

Okay, at some point in time this year I really wished he would stop working overseas and come home to save the relationship between my mom and I. He always mentions about coming back home too, but there's always the financial needs... I do feel bad when I find myself willing to compromise alittle for the sake of these, and the freedom. I've stopped thinking like that already.

My dad is SO much like me. Our weird emotional needs and what not. He tells me loads of things that don't make sense at first but they do afterwards so I suppose you could say he really understands me alot. No seriously, he's SO MUCH LIKE ME.


don't we look alike?! that was taken 6 years ago :)

I think it really helps to have someone who understands you. But well, things aren't always perfect between us too. Over the same birthday dinner where my family talked things out, he told me he's actually given up on me in terms of my studies. Not because he thinks I'm stupid or incapable, but because he knows it's impossible for me to study and concentrate given all these emotions and thoughts in me. I know he didn't say that to hurt me but it did affect me quite abit. He used to keep emphasizing on the fact that I'm self-centered and it's affect me quite alot too.

Ahh, negative things aside. I just think it's pretty amazing how his words get to the back of my head and reappear at the right times to make me feel better. They're not words of encouragement cause he's never been that kind, just words to help me understand situations better. Those words won't help anybody else, I think.


I'm also glad that they didn't bring me up to be too materialistic (well I guess I was at some point in time but not now), influenced me to be willing to learn about many things etc. I'm excited about having a kid of my own too. Parenting doesn't sound easy at all but I'd LOVE to try. Years later, of course.

All in all, I think my parents have been, and are, great parents. Not perfect of course. (there wouldn't be a definition to perfect anyway, and that isn't want we need). We rarely have dinner together, we rarely go out together as a family but all the things we talk about do make up for everything.

Boo Junfeng's showreel

Love the music that goes with this.


Keluar Baris (homecoming)

Forgot to mention that Boo Junfeng came to our school before the thanksgiving concert on friday for a little introduction and dialogue session. I like how he's so sentimental/emotional when he described the rain flowing down the steps at the Kallang stadium,

"it's as though the stadium was crying".

Emotional guys who notice the littlest details are so attractive ahhhh.
He was really cute too :D



(talking about cute, here's a cute video)


Tan Hong Ming

Children are so simple and innocent :)

I used to have this kindergarten friend called russel and we would hold hands on the way to classes and I think he kissed my finger when I hurt it in school. Back then I didn't even think about liking him or the differences between boys and girls, it was just friendship in its purest, simplest form.

Thinking of these makes me smile.

Diana Ross & Westlife - When you tell me that you love me

Reminds me of that time at the esplanade with the girls. We were totally crushing over that singer Dwayne :D Was that in may?


Oh yes I got myself a black pencil tin (the one I've always wanted) and teal/turquoise shoelaces after a walk around the mall today. Almost wanted to catch inception but it was a 3:45 show and I was so tired I decided to go home instead.

btw HI ALEBELLY THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE SMS AGAIN :)

When I asked my friend if it's really irritating to hang out someone who's depressed all the time

She said, "sometimes it's not only about pretending whether you're happy or not, we have to think about how the people around us might feel. I mean, it'll affect your friends' moods if you always appear to be sad and they can't do anything to help you right?"

Yeah I told her I don't want to pretend to be happy. I don't know what to do because I hate having to pretend yet if I don't...I'll affect the mood of everyone including mine. It's a neverending cycle I can never get out of. I bet that I'd be depressed and all after awhile, anyway.


& yes, to continue that thing.

Day 2 — Your Crush.

He knows who he is so you don't have to know. The only reason why he knows is because I figured it'd always remain as a crush (and more like a friend now). I have no idea why telling him allowed me to treat him more like a friend and not a crush but it does.

You may stare at this in shock and horror now - sometimes I think I'm secretly a guy you know? Or maybe I just felt like saying it, else it'd be on my mind for Godknowshowlong and that feeling sucks.

Sometimes I do wonder if anybody's liked me before. Hmm. I'm far too weird and un-ladylike for a girl, ain't I?

Now that the excitement in me has died down and reality is setting in..I'm not looking forward to school so much afterall. It isn't about the work, it's about... forget it. They say people generally dislike hanging out with sad people and they'll end up abandoning these people in the end because everybody gets tired.

I wonder if that's the reason why all those friendships never lasted long enough. It came to a point where I gave up caring. But in the end, I'm still not able to. That gap in my heart is far too big.

I just wish there was someone who would care for me no matter what, isn't it pointless to appear to be happy just because we want others to talk to us? My friends come and go, and I get so affected time after time. We'd be extremely close for awhile and somehow we'd end up being just acquaintances. It makes me wonder just how much I mean to them. They're mostly my emotions' fault, I admit.

Maybe they're just too tired being around me. Are you?

THANKSGIVING MADE ME SOOOOO HIGHHHH.

HAPPY TO BE IN THIS SCHOOL ACTUALLY :)

I SOUND LIKE A BIPOLAR KID (IF YOU ACTUALLY COMPARE THIS POST TO YESTERDAY'S ONE)

CALLED MACS AND ASKED FOR THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES IN THEIR FRIES. I TOLD HER SHE WAS NICE FOR HELPING ME SEARCH AND WISHED HER HAPPY NATIONAL DAY.

Day 1 - Best Friend

I don't have a best friend. I'm nobody's best friend either. I have close friends though. Sometimes I feel close but they don't, sometimes they feel close but I don't. Its rarely a two-way thing.

The question is asking for things at the current state, anyway.

This feels as though I'm doing this quiz for the sake of having the chance to wallow in self-pity. I'm not too sure myself.

for thirty days
(its been going around)

Day 1 — Best Friend.
Day 2 — Your Crush.
Day 3 — Your parents.
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative).
Day 5 — Your dreams.
Day 6 — A stranger.
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from.
Day 15 — The person you miss the most.
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country.
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 — The last person you kissed.
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror.


I feel uncomfortable putting these names on my blog. I'm not certain if they would mind their name up there and they're so private. For the sake of testing myself out, I'll do it.

I'm in this bubble nobody will ever bother to burst.

I never really confided in anyone. Never really hid my emotions but I never really expressed myself either. Except on this blog.

Its true I'm happy at the moment when I'm with my friends but start to feel so empty and insecure when I'm alone. I hate the fact that I'M the one who's always the one missing out on everything, missing out on these trips they go for. Ever since we left school and I returned alone, I wasn't able to smile. I feel tired from looking sad but I can't seem to smile.

I don't know if I like being alone or not. When I feel secure I want time alone and would do anything to get away from the crowd. Now that I'm not, I detest the feeling of loneliness so much.

I really hate it when I'm always the one away from the rest and they're having so much fun without me. I don't understand why knowing I'm not the only one made me want to drown in all these feelings again. Maybe because I don't have to be strong anymore? Or what is it?

God should I watch inception? Everybody's busy and I've always wanted to try catching a movie alone.. not like I tried asking but the idea's pretty fine! I'll always have my thoughts and this blog if I feel bored :)

Heck I'm just going to watch it when I feel like it. Maybe I should take the chance to get out of school right after class very soon too.

I've been high in school today. Thanks to sleep.
My eyes are killing me.

----

I was walking to school this morning feeling anti-social. Knowing a schoolmate of mine was on the bus too, I rushed out of the bus the moment it reached the stop. As I was typing an sms draft about the things in my head, there was a tap on my shoulder. My heart sank.

All I could do was look at her through the corner of my eyes and muster a smile (you wouldn't consider that a smile). Think she got the hint and we walked to school in silence without saying goodbye.

I'm not sure if I'd do that to anybody or if its just her, because there's just something about her that makes me feel like avoiding her everytime she's near. Can't stand how she tries to gossip with me even though we barely know each other. I generally dislike small talks but its a wee bit better if we're a little closer than just "schoolmates I meet in school", you see?

If my life were a movie and you were a critic,
what would you say and how many rotten tomatoes would you throw?

But I guess this doesn't bother me as much now. Life's getting better after I've began to not care too much about many things.

Contrary to popular belief, I believe falling in love isn't a nice thing. Because I fall too fast and too deep and the feeling kills me everytime. Too fast isn't a good thing, it ruins things. I actually prefer staying this way, I think I just released some caged bird in me (caged myself in the past).


Its true that all your friends need is your presence when they're down since people figure out their own problems, but even the most cliche words help sometimes.

All these years, I thought the phrase "just believe in yourself and you can do it!" is utter bullcrap, but when you start to realize alittle of it and when the phrase starts to ring in your head (after a million people have said it), it actually sets in deeper.

So don't worry about not being able to give good advice to a person at that time, whatever you said might help her in the future.

I realized these while wondering what might happen to me if I were to continue being in such an apathetic state. Maybe its a much-needed 'mistake', to save myself from the over-consciousness.

There's nothing bad or good to things or words

Words people use to describe others are merely situations.
Is there anything good or bad about anything happening?


Lets say Person A used to be overly stressed and conscious about everything. One day, she decides its far too tiring and decides to let go of everything and not bother. After awhile, she'll probably realize she's merely wasting time by not doing anything. Then she'll pick herself up and does what she thinks is important, without caring too much about everything.

By experiencing over-consciousness and apathy, two direct opposites, she'll be able to know when she's leaning too much to one side and get back to the 'equilibrium'. Isn't this 'balance' what we're constantly trying to achieve in life?


What I'm saying about nothing being 'good' or 'bad' is that, in context, someone stressed might need alittle apathy, and someone apathetic might need alittle stress. We can't simply say apathy is bad because it might be good to someone elses. It really depends on what the person needs and if you're not the person, you wouldn't understand, would you?

Person B might look at person A and say "she's so stressed and overly conscious" (in a negative tone, obviously). At another point, person C might look at person A and say "This apathy will bring her nowhere".

They were both judging person A at the current situation they're looking from, but have failed to either understand her history, or imagine what she might do in the future. They can't be blamed (not to say they're not wrong), because its only normal to judge others based on what we see. We can't control what others think, right?


Instead of trying to prove to others what we're capable of, why don't we work based on how much we know about ourselves?

Because we're the only ones who knows our own past, current situation, and by understanding these - our future. Nothing's good or bad, only we know what's good or bad for us.

So apathetic I don't even worry about being apathetic.

No wonder I'm thinking less these days. It saddens me, but I'm not worried. I'm just curious to know how i became like that all of a sudden and what might happen to me. I can see myself accepting whatever mistakes made, whatever bad character traits, not bothering about what people might think.

The strange thing is, I see myself having better values than before in certain aspects. Is this apathy, or just myself losing that mask of consciousness? I shouldn't be dwelling on the negative aspects of this apathy, perhaps its the only way I can jump out of this entire issue about being too conscious and move on.


Digressing, I realized it isn't because I hate being at home that I felt like a loser for going straight home after will run yesterday. I just felt like a loser because nobody invited me out or anything.